Don’t Feel Guilty for Leaving
As printed in “The Beacon” San Antonio’s Christian Newspaper
Article Date: October 2009 – The Beacon Online
by Starr Calo-oy
Starr Calo-oy
Question:
Each time I go to visit my dad, he tries to prevent me from leaving. I feel so guilty, but I find myself going to see him less because I am running out of excuses to get away. What can I do?
Answer:
1) Before you go to visit, call the caregiver (if it’s a small facility such as a personal care home) and let her know that if she has any business to discuss with you, to do it before your dad knows you are there. This way, he will feel that he has your undivided attention and that you only came to see him. Also, ask her to be available when you leave, to wait at the door (if he is ambulatory) and wave good-bye to you together from there. When you are ready to go, whether your Dad is bed-bound or ambulatory, kiss and hug him, say good-bye and walk out immediately. Do not respond to anything that he might say as you are leaving and do not turn around to look at him or wait for his approval. This might sound cruel but it is even more cruel and painful for both of you, to allow the goodbye to drag on. Reconcile yourself to realizing that you had a good visit and now it is over.
“Running out of excuses to leave?”
2) Get your dad his favorite ice cream or candy and keep it out of sight until you are ready to leave. Just before you leave, give it to your dad, love on him, say good-bye and leave immediately. A tasty treat may be all he needs to distract him so you can leave unnoticed.
3) Try visiting more often or less frequently to see what works better for him.
4) Find out when the next meal will be served before you plan your visit that day. Arrive at the home in time to visit long enough before the meal. When it is served, leave.
Starr & Bob Calo–oy cared for the terminally ill and people with different forms of dementia in their own home for 25 years and are the authors of 4 caregiving books. Starr hosts Caregiving 101 and Marriage 101 on Great Day Sunday on KENS–TV 5 every Sunday morning and both of the Calo–oy’s host 2, one–hour radio talk shows on KKYX–680am every Saturday morning; Caregiving 101 & Marriage 101. Starr & Bob are retired preachers make numerous appearances on television all over America and are the proud parents of 10 children. They are currently working on 3 books, give free marriage classes in their home and provide free caregiving coaching and marriage counseling. You can reach them from their websites at www. caregiversadvice.net, www.marriage101.net or call 210.521.8668.
Starr writes monthly for “The Beacon” – a San Antonio Christian Newspaper. The Beacon online at: The Beacon.
Starr & Bob Calo-oy created CaregiversAdvice.net to help, encourage, and support caregivers. Through weekly Radio Shows on KKYX 680am San Antonio, they host special guests who cover many unique topics concerning caregiving. They also have weekly TV Segments on KENS TV 5 San Antonio where they share caregiving and marriage tips. All of these programs are archived as Radio Podcasts and TV Podcasts for your easy listening. Visit their sister site, Marriage101.net for marriage help and encouragement. Starr has written Four Books on Caregiving.
