Robert Gibbs – CIMA Hospice
This Week’s Featured Radio Podcast
Listen to Volume # 120 —“Robert Gibbs – CIMA Hospice” (Podcast)
“Caregiving 101” on KKYX Radio 680am San Antonio, Texas
Hosts: Starr & Bob Calo–oy
Guest: Robert Gibbs
Broadcast Date: June 5, 2010
Robert is a chaplain for hospice. CIMA is a “hometown hospice”. The chaplain is a minister, not always ordained. He primarily helps someone make peace, reconcile unfinished business and say their goodbye’s and basically brings closure to their life.
Caregivers are realistic, and “in the nitty-gritty” and a big challenge of theirs is stepping back and seeing the “bigger picture”. They know that the chronic stage will come to the dying stage, AKA anticipatory grief, as you know that you and the family are headed for a loss. You need to make your loved-one comfortable. Don’t prop them up and pose them, don’t dress them up when it’s uncomfortable. Let them have their pain medication even though their family wants to visit. Don’t make them do tricks. You need to make their last days comfortable…ask “Is this a great day for her/him?” You are no longer looking for accomplishment performance. Ask yourself “Are we facilitating their needs?” Sit them down and ask, if they don’t have dementia:”Is there anyone you do or don’t want to see? Anything you want to say to your family? Anything you want to share with the small children that you will want to record for a later day when they are older and more understanding?”
When somebody starts to express grief, others in the room often want to shut them down, and stop them from crying, sobbing or other such public displays. Don’t do that. Encourage them. Be strong for that person and let them grieve. Grief is spoken about in universal terms. Everybody’s grief is their own thing. It is personal and individual, as it is connected to our own life and our own life history. Don’t judge or expect emotions or actions from others. Many people judge their own loved-ones by viewing them through the “eyes” of their own grief. Some people are criers. Some people shut down and seem cold. We always take a different road to get there (grief). We have to face this reality and feel the feelings. We adjust to the environment of our loved ones’ disability, and ‘deterioration’ then we need to move-on to living without them.
The difference between men and women and how they deal with grief: Generally, men tend to act-out more than talk-out. Women tend to talk out instead of act out. Men often want to “control” and “do”, while women want to share their feelings and “bounce them off others” for feedback.
If men can’t act on what they need to do, they often feel helpless. They are “fixers” and feel inadequate. Some family members feel that these men don’t care because these men just “sit there”. These men need to have some courage, and do what is not comfortable. Get out of your comfort zone. Sit and hold hands, talk and read scripture, share the family scrapbook or photo album.
If you can’t fix, then maybe you can do: walk into the room of your dying loved one, repair whatever is in their home that needs work, errands need running. Does the grass needs to be mowed? Ask the primary caregiver and you can really help. Visiting can be difficult for many. If it is difficult, then you should sit with your pastor or chaplain and pray about it. Share with loved ones and mourn. They might not have passed-on yet, but you are grieving now. You need to allow yourself to cry and vent those emotions in a healthy manner. Grief really is a process, and often begins long before your loved one passes.
Starr & Bob Calo-oy created CaregiversAdvice.net to help, encourage, and support caregivers. Through weekly Radio Shows on KKYX 680am San Antonio, they host special guests who cover many unique topics concerning caregiving. They also have weekly TV Segments on KENS TV 5 San Antonio where they share caregiving and marriage tips. All of these programs are archived as Radio Podcasts and TV Podcasts for your easy listening. Visit their sister site, Marriage101.net for marriage help and encouragement. Starr has written Four Books on Caregiving.
