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Question
Each time I go to visit my dad, he tries to prevent me from leaving. I feel so guilty, but I find myself going to see him less because I am running out of excuses to get away. What can I do?
Answer
1) Before you go to visit, call the caregiver (if it’s a small facility such as a personal care home) and let her know that if she has any business to discuss with you, to do it before your dad knows you are there. This way, he will feel that he has your undivided attention and that you only came to see him. Also, ask her to be available when you leave, to wait at the door (if he is ambulatory) and wave good-bye to you together from there. When you are ready to go, whether your Dad is bed-bound or ambulatory, kiss and hug him, say good-bye and walk out immediately. Do not respond to anything that he might say as
you are leaving and do not turn around to look at him or wait for his approval. This might sound cruel but it is even more cruel and painful for both of you, to allow the goodbye to drag on. Reconcile yourself to realizing that you had a good visit and now it is over.
2) Get your dad his favorite ice cream or candy and keep it out of sight until you are ready to leave. Just before you leave, give it to your dad, love on him, say good-bye and leave immediately. A tasty treat may be all he needs to distract him so you can leave unnoticed.
3) Try visiting more often or less frequently to see what works better for him.
4) Find out when the next meal will be served before you plan your visit that day. Arrive at the home in time to visit long enough before the meal. When it is served, leave.