Frequently Asked Questions #5

Question

I take care of my aunt who has dementia. She does many things that are very strange to me like taking her clothes off all day regardless of who is in the living room and she eats off of our plates at the dinner table. We can’t keep her out of the bathroom. She takes the clean towels out of the cabinet, wets and wrings them out and then hangs them all over the bathroom to dry. She probably uses a roll of toilet paper a day all by herself but she doesn’t need it. It’s just that she says she has to go but when she does, nothing happens, and she still uses the paper. The worst thing of all is that she will have a bowel movement in her disposable underwear, put her hand down in it, pull it out and play with it. It’s a huge mess. She is quiet as a mouse when she does this. I am afraid to leave her sight. I want to keep her at home with me but I need some ideas on how to manage this odd behavior. How do I handle these particular problems?

Answer

First of all, don’t make the common mistake of thinking that she is doing any of this on purpose. Stop and think. Would you do any one of these, as you phrased it, “odd” things in your present state of mind? When she was your age, she would have never believed it if someone told her that in the future, she would be painting with her own feces. You are dealing with a brain damaged, elderly woman, not someone playing games to make your life miserable. What is imperative right now if you are serious about keeping her in your care, is to pray for strength, wisdom from God and creativity in dealing with these behaviors. If you aren’t willing to do this, then by all means, find a good home for her with people who are called by God to care for her. Having said all of this, I have a few suggestions.

1) You can easily solve two problems in one step. Purchase a one–piece, zip up the back, long pant garment, (I use a fly–suit and I purchase them from Sears, in the men’s department) and you can rest assured that she won’t be taking her clothes off anymore or playing in her own bowel movements. She will not be able to figure out how to get it off if it is zipped up the back. Make sure that the material isn’t flimsy and that it has a good zipper on it and that it has long pant legs. One–piece shorts

will never do. She would be still able to get her hands up inside her underwear. Just be sure to check her regularly to see if she has soiled her disposable underwear so you can help her change. If you will be consistent in having her wear this garment, after about a month she will have “unlearned” this behavior and you won’t have to put it on her anymore.

2) Make sure everyone seated at the table has extra food on their plates so that she can eat from their plates too. Are you surprised at my answer? Consider this, and please, don’t be offended by my response. There will come a day that you will pray to the Lord, and have everyone you know praying also, for her appetite to increase. As the dementia progresses, they lose their appetites, their ability to swallow disappears and they have to have their foods pureed. Eventually, all they will tolerate is a high caloric liquid such as Ensure Plus by straw and ultimately, introduced into the side of the mouth by way of a large, plastic syringe. Then, at the end, you won’t be able to give them any liquids at all, because everything you put into their mouth will go directly into their lungs because their esophagus will cease to function due to accelerated brain damage. So count your blessings right now, while you can. Sacrifice your sense of social etiquette for your loved one and allow her to eat, whether it is off of your plate or out of the serving dish. At least she still has an appetite. Putting extra food on your plate and everyone else’s is a small concession in the grand scheme of things, don’t you think?

3) Another way to eliminate two of your problems at once is to put an eye and hook latch on the outside of your bathroom door, just high enough so she cannot reach it. Take her to the bathroom or ask her if she needs to go, every hour and then accompany her. This way you can supervise her while she is in there. You tear off the appropriate amount of toilet paper you think is needed for her to use. Take the time to aide her and you won’t have to monitor the open bathroom all day long and your clean, dry towels will stay put. Eventually, she will look to you to go to the bathroom and forget about staying in there all day as she is used to right now. Again, it will become an “unlearned behavior”.